How to Hate Your Job
So, you like your job? I like mine pretty well and the reason is I haven’t followed these steps:
- Office gossip is your friend. If you like your job now just listen to and believe everything people tell you. We are all getting laid off, they are moving the division to India, we are migrating to windows. Whatever they say, believe it. Then tell other people about it.
- Make sure to worry about things you can’t control. Maybe you don’t like the backup policies of the finance team. Worry about that. Look up better tools. Angrily tell people that the finance team is using the wrong tools. Even better, if you aren’t in marketing, think of reasons your marketing is crap. Visualize the sales numbers dropping.
- Get involved in office politics. Assuming everyone is saying bad things about you behind your back. Respond by saying bad things about them behind their backs. Try and get people on you side of an issue. Learn from Karl Rove: Go negative early and often.
- Complain about everything. If you aren’t complaining out loud your new negative attitude is going to waste.
- Assume other people are talking about you all the time. If there is a meeting and you aren’t invited, make sure to ask what it was about.
- Blame people for things. If something goes wrong, someone should be blamed. Make sure you do the blaming.
- Think up ways people with different jobs could do them better. Tell everyone about it.
- If other people are unhappy, ask them why. Then agree with everything they say
- Repeat this to yourself: you are underpaid. It doesn’t matter how much you make, you deserve more.
- Find your company’s biggest competitor. Write a list of reasons they are better.
- Look for a new job. But do not apply to the new job. You just need to think about how much better the other job would be. (note: if you screw this up and take the new job, return to step 1)
I think there are other techniques, but these are the best ones I can think of. The trick to hating your job is embracing negativity. Every job has annoying things. If you just ignore them and focus on the tast at hand you are probably just not going to start hating your job as much as you should.